Making History (The Bannockburn Live! Song)

I always wanted to be Robert the Bruce

Bonnie Scotland I would save

I lined the garden shed with loft insulation

And built myself a cave

Then I got myself a spider

From a pet shop in Mothereell

Tied it to a string, watched it swing

Till it began to smell

Mum knitted me some chain mail

From some very lovely Shetland wool

I sprayed it Volvo grey and then one Friday

I wore it to the school

I got a kicking in the playground

They tore my chainmail to bits

I swore vengeance on they English

Even though I lived in Coatbridge

 Oh Bannockburn

Or maybe it was Flodden

Or it could have been Culloden

It's all the same to me

Stirling bridge or Prestonpans

I'm just a simple fighting man

Plastic broadsword in my hands

I'm making history

In our re-enactment society

We re-enact an awful lot

We did the Battle of Jutland

On Queen's Park Pond with some model yachts

for Bannockburn I said I'd be Robert

But it was all stitched up before

I played the front end of Edward the Second's horse

Which wisnae what I signed up for

All rights reserved. By Scar Quilse, 2014

Sturgeon Wall (The Buckfast Song)

Sturgeon Wall (The Buckfast song)

Barbed wire on the border

Got to cross The Sturgeon Wall

Barbed wire on the border

Got to cross the Sturgeon Wall

You should see the tailbacks on the A7 at Mosspaul

Checking the lorries

I'm no' pleased

Got sixty crates of Buckfast heading for Dundee

The monks don't like it,

The monks don't like it

The monks don't like it, naebody likes it

Take my freedom if you like that's fine

You’ll never  take my tonic wine

Immigration man

He's wearing tartan trews

And a wee Mac10 submachine gun he's dying to use

Looking for a payoff

In those daft Caledonian groats

In my passport, sonny

there's 200 million note

That'll buy a few votes

Now I'm heading for Tayside

With my electric soup

Everybody in Broughty Ferry is pure dead cockahoop

Lanliq!

Sanatogen!

Eldorado!

ScotsMac

Copyright Scar Quilse 2014. All rights reserved.

It Wisnae Me (The CyberNat Song)

                                     
Two tins of superlager, feeling no pain

I start typing away as fast as wee Patrick Kane

Searching for unionists on the internet

I hunt them down like dogs every chance I get

But

It wisnae me

It wisnae me

I’m as nice as nice can be

I don’t even shout at the BBC

Unless I’m pissed

Then I turn into a nationalist

They say I’m a Nazi, what a load of dross

You take just one selfie with one iron cross

It wisnae even real I made it myself

From a Commando Comic cover and some fuzzy felt

That wee Ruth Davidson, she does karate

I’ll just pretend I’m in the Tory Party

If she turns up at the front door of my hoose

And then I’ll turn my pitbull Nicola loose

See all yon civic nationalism stuff?

After a while everybody's had enough

You don’t say you hate the English till you’ve had a few drams

Then you hit that keyboard and you feel like a real man

But

It wisnae me, it wisnae me

I'm as nice as nice can be

I never even shout at the BBC

Unless I'm pished

Then I turn into a nationalisht...

Bastards in the North (The Blossom Song)

If you go wandering in our kilt-infested streets
You may receive a friendly wave from everyone you meet
These are exceptions that prove the rule
Really we're just planning to deport you southern fools

Better stay inside and don't go out, friend
If you do, your illusions may come to an end
I love those words that are coming from your mouth
But there's just as many bastards in the north
As in the south

You may have heard our tartan doors are never locked
But in the hallways shotguns sit, they're loaded and they're cocked
For the most part we are polite
Secretly we're planning to provoke you into flight

And there are places no visitor should walk
We'll kill and eat you if we hear the southern way you talk
Unless of course you are prepared to pay
Just give us lots of money and quickly go away

And if you settle here, if you think we're nice
If you buy a burnt out cottage at the incomer's price
Maybe you've seen that film, The Wicker Man?
The person who was in that house before you understands

Bettter stay inside and don't go out friend
If you do your illusions may come to an end
I love those words that are coming from your mouth
But there's just as many bastards in the north
As in the south