Who is Scar Quilse?

Born in a trowie mound (or Pictish broch) behind Mavis Grind in the North Mainland of Shetland, Scar Quilse is an enigma wrapped in a Fair Isle gansie. Or a conundrum. Or both.

Scar is a distant cousin of the infamous "musician" Zander 'Blind Boy' Flugga, eventually banned from appearances on BBC Radio Scotland after the unfortunate 'Dolphinsludgegate' events.

He is well known in the isles for his peculiar beard.

Monday, 28 July 2014

Pure Dead Amazing (The Commonwealth Games Song)

The Trongate's so clean I licked up my spilt pakora sauce last night
I got the late bus home to Possil and I didn't see a single fight
All the junkies are in a big shed at Weirs of Cathcart
They're getting sent to Edinburgh when the festival starts
And everything is pure dead amazing in Freedom City now The queue at Mother India is longer than the River Clyde
There are bowlers in the park eating pizzas that've been deep fried
I'm going to take up Judo it's right up my street
Though I'll not wear pyjamas or be in bare feet
Everything is pure dead amazing in the Freedom City now

 Pure dead amazing and brilliant and completely sublime
All the poor folk are invisible, and nobody's committing crime
Nobody gets beat up here for being gay
At least not in the west end, or not every day
Everything is pure dead amazing in the city now

 See when it's over, it'll still be fantastic then
Dalmarnock's on the up and up, it's gonna be the new Bearsden
Cappuccino and focaccia and juice bars too
Life expectancy for men will rise to 52
Everything is pure dead amazing in the city now

 Copyright Scar Quilse, 2014

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Naebody Ever Asked Me (The Opinion Poll Song)

I’m quiet as a moose
I very rarely leave the hoose     
Shop at the Co-op, Tesco, never
(Except if I’m desperate, cause they deliver)

I’m hardly young, but I’m no very old
I don’t like doing what I’m told
Folk say they speak for me on television
But they never asked for my permission
Naebody ever asked me
Naebody ever asked me
I’m a simple soul, I’m no in they polls
Naebody ever asked me

I call him Max for short, he’s a rescue pug
Maxton’s too long a name for a dug
My pal Sue’s got a mutt called Karl, a Staffie
She walks  him in the park, she likes to wear her baffies

Naebody ever asked me....

So will I make to the polling station
To seal the fate of this wee nation?
I’ll make it if I have to crawl
Karl and Max’ll be there and all

And me and and Sue too, you will see
We'll be voting for solidarity
For the union of the working class
Our voices will be heard at last
I could've tellt you, but you never asked...

Naebody ever asked me...

Copyright Scar Quilse 2014. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

One Pair o'Tartan Trews (The Fashion Song)

One pair o’ tartan trews
What was Wee Eck trying tae do?
He can’t wear a kilt
Cause his bum gets aw chillt
And his knees get aw frostbitten too
Two hundred and fifty pounds
Ah but somehow the money was found
The taxpayer paid
The trews were tailor made
The first minister’s joy was profound

They were worn at a Chinese ball
Eck didnae go down well at all
Another Panda he sought
Bits of chicken he got
Deep fried in sweet and sour balls

He’s repaid the money at last
And those trews are a thing of the past
For as Wee Eck  expands
He needs elastic bands
To keep his pull-ups at half mast

Now the Commonwealth Games are here
And oor athletes have bonny new gear
It’s the tartan frae hell
Wee Eck’s got some as well
Made into a simmet I fear.

Monday, 7 July 2014

New Scotland (The Camper Van Song)

A camper van called Scotland

I bought a camper van on eBay
I was a wee bit nervous
The guy said he’d got it from
The St John’s Ambulance Service
He’d fitted it with a double bed
And a woodburning stove
When I got off the train in Preston to pick it up
I just fell in love
Two hundred thousand miles
It had independent suspension
Ran out of fuel on the Great North Road
I wasn’t paying attention
When the guy said it was thirsty
I thought he meant he liked a drink
Not 10 miles to the gallon
I guess I just didn’t think

I called it Scotland
My beloved Scotland
It’ll take me everywhere I want to roam
Scotland, my beloved Scotland
Don’t ever tell me Scotland’s not my home

I got a tow to a caravan site
I lit the stove and settled down
It was somewhere in Northumbria
I drank  my first can of Newcastle Brown
I found I quite enjoyed the place
The folk seemed just the same
I met a girl from Penrith called Tracy
MacMillan was her middle name

That was fifteen years ago
I’ve hardly been north since
I even found a chip shop
Sells Morton’s Rolls with mince
Sometimes I go to Peebles
That’s just like Edinburgh only wee
I suppose I live in England
It’s all Scotland to me

Copyright Scar Quilse 2014